Another Sleepless Night - Degrassi, PG

Title: Another Sleepless Night
Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters.
Date Completed: 12/7/03

I didn’t sleep last night. I think I haven’t slept for three weeks straight. I can’t stop thinking about what he said… and everything he’s ever said.

I can’t be who you want me to be.

I almost wish I could just get rid of him for good. No, I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want to be anything that’s just a lie for me.

That’s what this is about, isn’t it?

And all those times we had been alone… nothing. And those times I kissed him, and he just sat there, unmoving, like a statue.

I’m sick of the little tirade we put on for our friends. So nobody would suspect anything, he said. Just make my life more torturous. Just make it more obvious that we can never be together.

I tried to convince myself that he was in denial. I tried to change myself for him, so maybe he’d change his mind. Maybe he’d realize that he was wrong all along. That he loved me just like I loved him.

I tried to ignore him. I tried to ignore the way his hair would fall across his forehead or the way he had a little hop in his step when he was excited or the way he laughed when he thought that something was really funny. I tried to ignore my feelings for him, block them out, pretend they never existed in the first place. Pretend he never existed in the first place.

I tried to make him jealous. I tried to meet new people and go on dates but somehow everyone I dated reminded me of him. Everywhere I went reminded me of places I went with him. Everything reminded me of him.

And when the doorbell rang tonight I tried to pretend I didn’t hear, but I couldn’t. I tried to act nonchalant when I opened the door and saw him standing there.

“Hi, Marco.”

He came in, wordlessly, like he always did. Because we were best friends and words were unnecessary for us.

He started to cry and I sincerely wanted to kick him out of my house. Where was he when I needed him? But I didn’t. I never would.

And then we sat on the sofa and he continued to sob and I held him, rubbing his back. Running my fingers through his soft dark hair.

“I’m such an idiot,” he whispered.

I held him tighter, like I always did, murmuring that it would be okay. Because it would be, for him.

“You know I’ll always be here for you,” I told him. And I meant it, too.

He looked up at me with those big brown eyes. He wasn’t really crying anymore. “I know you will,” he said, “but—”

“But you can’t be who I want you to be,” I finished for him.

“I love Dylan…”

Of course he did. Or course he loved Dylan, Paige’s gorgeous, tall, athletic, blond, older brother. And it didn’t matter that he and Dylan had fights seemingly every single day. It didn’t matter that he was crying over something Dylan did or said right now.

“Why?” I asked suddenly. Marco looked up at me, clearly taken aback. “Look at what he’s doing to you… I would never do this to you… why can’t you leave him, Marco? Why can’t you be with me?”

“Because I can’t!” he almost shouted. “Don’t you get it? I can’t force myself to be something I’m not… to feel something I just can’t feel…”

“Why?” I begged. “Does he do this for you? Can you show up on his doorstep wanting nothing more than for him to hold you while you cry? Can you call him in the middle of the night for no reason at all? Can you tell him your deepest thoughts, your wishes, your fears? Can you?” I was almost screaming. “Does he even care about you at all?”

He stood up. “I better go,” he said, already heading for the door.

“Marco, please…”

He stepped out onto the front porch, and then turned around and looked at me one last time. “I’m begging you, let it go already. Just let it go. We can’t be together… I don’t feel that way… you know that. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t say anything. Maybe I just wouldn’t anymore. Maybe I wouldn’t even have to pretend to hate him anymore. Maybe I really would.

But somehow I doubted it.

“Goodnight, Spinner,” he said softly.

I closed the door, went upstairs, and anticipated another sleepless night.