Whatever She Needs: Guilty (8/?) - Degrassi, PG-13

The enormity of what they were doing didn’t hit him until later.

They viewed three apartments that afternoon, and Snake was unimpressed by all. Furthermore, it was hard to concentrate with Darcy standing beside him. He wondered what the landlords were thinking, if anything. That she was his daughter, or his niece, or a distant relative of some kind. Certainly not his… whatever she was. He wasn’t exactly sure.

He wondered why he was so concerned and paranoid, anyway. He tried to shake it off. It shouldn’t have mattered and it didn’t matter. (Except that it did.)

It was dark outside when they left the last apartment and headed towards his car. Snake looked at his watch. “I should probably take you home,” he said, almost sadly.

“I guess,” Darcy replied quietly. Once they were in the car, she added, with a cunning smile, “I’m glad I got to spend time with you today.”

“Me too.” It was what he was supposed to say. He felt vaguely nauseous. “Darcy, where do your parents think you are?” he asked.

She sighed. “I don’t know.” Her tone had grown colder.

“What do you mean?”

Even in the darkness of the car and with his eyes glued to the road, he could see her fold her arms across her chest. “They’ve stopped asking me questions. They’re afraid any little thing could set me off. Suicide watch, remember?” She exhaled loudly.

The headlights of other cars were almost blinding him. He said nothing. It was silent except for the faint hum of the radio.

“What’s with the sudden third degree?” she asked defensively. Snake wondered if she was regretting this already. The years between them were becoming clearer to her now. He knew it.

“Parental instincts, I guess,” he muttered. This was probably the worst thing he could have said, and he was well aware. It was why he said it.

“Don’t give me that,” she said. “Stop trying to make me feel guilty.”

“If I stop reminding you that I’m older, it’s not going to change the fact that I am,” Snake said stubbornly.

“Okay, you know what, pull over.”

“What?”

“Pull over,” she repeated more urgently.

“We’re just minutes from your house.”

“Snake—”

“Fine.” Only because she was using his name again and it sent chills throughout his entire body. She got out of the car once they stopped and he paused for a few seconds before joining her outside. Darcy was leaning against the trunk, rubbing her forearms with both hands to fend off the cold. Snake approached her slowly and leaned carefully against the car, as if it might break. Like everything else.

She smiled, and even in the faint glow of the streetlight he could see the sadness behind it. “Everything seemed so perfect this morning,” she said. “And this afternoon.”

He kicked nervously at the ground and heard a pebble go flying off into the distance. “Well, reality sets in pretty quick.” He wondered if the darkness might devour him whole.

“I thought we already had this conversation,” she sighed.

“Maybe it’s not something that can be solved in one conversation. Or ever,” he added. “It’s not just that I’m older, Darcy. It’s that I’m a parent, and I’m your teacher, and I’m the first adult you confided in… by accident.” It scared him to be so honest, but he couldn’t stop. “Maybe that’s the only reason you have feelings for me.”

“What’s so wrong with that?” she asked, at once confirming his greatest fear.

“Because,” he said slowly, finding it painful to string the words together, “then your feelings aren’t real.”

“My feelings are less real because you were the one person I could turn to, the one I could trust, the one I felt comfortable telling everything?” Darcy demanded. “Is that really what you think?”

“I don’t know,” Snake whispered, desperately. Darcy didn’t respond. “Earlier today, you said you liked me.” He paused. “But do you even know why?” He held his breath and awaited the inevitable silence. He was certain this would end it for good.

He was wrong.

“I like you,” she began, speaking slowly and fluidly, “because you wouldn’t put up with my crap even though you’re the kindest person I know. Because you followed me and sat down beside me when I felt like everyone else in my life was running away. I like you because you’re honest, because you ask the right questions and you actually listen. Because you didn’t give up on me, and because you found me the other night, without me even having to call and ask. Because you didn’t even ask where we were going. You just came.”

Her words were spilling rapidly now. “I like you because you held me all night and didn’t let go, not even once. The only reason I couldn’t leave the house after you did was because I didn’t want to leave the bed, because the sheets smelled like you and I wanted to stay there forever. I like you because I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day today, because I spent my lunch hour in the library looking at old yearbooks just to get a glimpse into your life. I like you because I want to know everything about you, and it scares me almost to death.

“I like you because you don’t even seem to realize how amazing you are. And because I feel queasy and anxious and nervous and like I might throw up whenever I’m around you, but none of that changes the fact that I want the feeling to last forever.” She stopped and took a deep breath, staring him square in the eyes. “That’s why.”

His heart was pounding, and he pulled her towards him just as a car flew down the formerly empty street, exposing them in its headlights. Snake quickly let go.

Darcy smiled shakily. “And I don’t care that we have to keep it a secret,” she whispered. “It just makes you hotter.”

Snake laughed. “I don’t think anyone’s ever called me hot.”

“Not even in high school?” Darcy whistled, and he laughed again.

“Remind me that I owe you a lengthy monologue about why I like you,” he said, running his fingers through her hair.

“How ‘bout just a sentence or two?” she asked softly, leaning into his chest.

Snake didn’t even need to pause to think. “Because I was dead inside. You make me feel alive.”