The apartment was larger when he awoke, and emptier, somehow. All the sounds from outside, the commotion and chatter and screeching of tires slipped through the space above the windowsills and reverberated against the walls and bookshelves and dirty dishes in the sink. All of it stumbled rudely and blindly forward to his ears and into his head and rattled around until it was at once silenced by an unavoidable realization.
He got out of bed and got ready for work.
Classes dragged by, as they usually did at this time of year. It was nearly June. Conversations laced with fantasies of summer and graduation overrode his tedious instructions regarding flash animation and PowerPoint presentations. Free time for “internet research” was extended accordingly. Snake found it as difficult to focus as they did.
Darcy pointedly took extra time packing up her things at the end of his last class, and Snake’s eyes followed her every movement. She waited until everyone else had left the room and then walked towards him. He braced himself.
A tiny smile formed on her lips for a moment and then disappeared. “I’m sorry about—”
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said.
“Yes, I do. I was… stupid. Really stupid.”
“You weren’t stupid, Darcy. You were being…”
“Naïve?”
He was going to say a teenager, but held back. “I was stupid.”
“Why? For letting this happen?”
There was a long silence. “Yes,” he said finally. She shook her head and stared at the floor. “Everything happened so fast. I think I need to be alone for a while. And I think you do, too.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“I wouldn’t even know how to put it into words,” he lied.
“Snake,” she whispered, placing her hand over his, “please don’t end this just because I screwed up.”
He sighed and pulled his hand away, looking around nervously. “A few months, a year from now, you’ll think you lost your mind. Relationships like this don’t last. Not even in movies and books.”
“So? We can be the exception.”
“How?”
“Because… you saved me,” she said sincerely. “Because we make each other better.”
“It was an escape from reality, and…”
“And you got out. So now you don’t need me.”
“No. I didn’t say that.”
“I’m sorry that you’re scared, and I’m sorry that you’re stubborn, and I’m sorry for how I acted last night,” Darcy said, taking a deep breath. “But I’m not sorry for any of this, and I’m sick of having to say it over and over.”
He stood up and began packing his things, turning from her. “You will be.”
“Why do you keep saying that? How do you know?”
Snake stopped what he was doing and faced her again, finally admitting in a low voice, “Because I’m sorry for this, for all of it, okay?”
She shook her head, biting her lip. “You’re afraid, and you’re paranoid, and—”
“Darcy, I need space.”
“But I don’t. And I don’t want space. I want to be as close to you as possible.”
He couldn’t look at her. “I’m sorry. I think… I think you should go.”
“Fine.” And she was gone. The door closed and he was alone again, surrounded by colorful walls and computer monitors that had witnessed the entire pitiful conversation. He stood still and tried to feel nothing.
The next day, during the first of many meetings with Ms. Hatzilakos, he found out that Darcy would be taking a leave of absence for the rest of the semester. She would be able to make up her work over the summer and still graduate with the rest of her class the following spring.
“Her parents finally found out the root of her wild behavior lately,” Daphne said, leaning forward and lowering her voice. “She was raped. Can you believe that? It’s terrible. I really feel for the girl.”
Snake shook his head in disgust. “This isn’t some piece of tawdry gossip. And whatever happened to confidentiality?”
Her eyes widened. “Honestly, Archie, I expected a little more sensitivity from you. The rest of us were shocked when we found out.”
“Of course it’s awful. I just don’t think it’s any of my business.”
She straightened her shoulders in an exaggerated gesture of self-importance before explaining, “I’ve informed all of Darcy’s teachers so they know to be especially empathic of her situation when she returns in the fall.” She paused, waiting for Snake to react, but he didn’t. “All right, so what did you want to discuss?”
He gripped the ends of the armchairs and held his breath before responding.
Three weeks later, he was the recipient of a greater-than-usual amount of gifts and cards and eloquent farewell speeches. All of the students whom he’d watched grow and transform from prepubescent kids into almost-adults stood before him and said goodbye. They were all moving on to bigger and better—doing what he never could.
Emma approached him after the graduation ceremony and surprised him with a hug. “Jack misses you,” she said, then smiled before adding, “and so do I.”
“Same,” Snake replied, and after a few moments he reluctantly relinquished her embrace. He hesitated before asking, “How’s your mom?”
“She’s been… surprisingly okay,” Emma admitted. “You should talk to her.”
“I don’t know about that,” Snake said.
“Well, you should talk to me,” she tried. “More often. Call, email…”
“I will,” he promised, and when he smiled he realized it was his first genuine one in weeks.
An hour later, he was back in his apartment and surrounded by sealed boxes. He had just begun packing another when he heard a knock at the door. Snake opened it and Darcy stood before him—a breathing living vision from a dream that he forgot to have.
“Hi,” she said, smiling sheepishly and stepping inside.
“Hi,” Snake echoed, closing the door.
“I—” she began, but Snake wrapped her in his arms and halted her words with his lips and his tongue, kicking aside boxes and carrying her to his bed. “I love you,” she whispered between kisses. “If it makes any difference.”
“I love you too,” he said, and for a moment they seemed indestructible. Then they broke.
“What’s going on?” she asked, eyeing the boxes. “Are you leaving?” She met his gaze again.
Slowly, he nodded. “Tomorrow morning.”
“But—why?”
“Darcy, my whole life I’ve been playing it safe. I never once stepped outside my comfort zone—until you came along. But Degrassi and this town are holding me back. I need to explore for a while. I need to find my own path.”
“So—so take me with you,” she said, a little too desperately.
“You know I can’t. You need to stay, finish school, graduate… and then move on.”
“I want to be with you.” She reached for his hands.
“I know.” He kissed her forehead. “I know.”
“Will I never see you again?”
“If this is meant to happen, then we will.”
“But you don’t believe in fate,” she said. He looked away and they were silent for a while. “Can you do one thing for me, before you go?” Snake looked at her again, and she closed her eyes. “I want to know what it’s like,” she said.
“Darcy—”
“With you.”
“And your ring? And everything you believe?”
“I think God will forgive me,” she said sincerely.
“This,” he said, motioning to her and then him, “is the biggest sin of all.”
“I want to be a sinner,” she said.
“No, you don’t.”
“Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing has made sense for months. But this, as screwed up as it is, makes sense. We make sense. I know I should be scared out of my mind, but when I’m with you everything feels right. It shouldn’t, but it does.” She inhaled sharply and held his gaze. “I want this.”
Snake was still holding his breath when he responded, “It’s not going to… erase the past. It might make things worse.”
“I’m willing to risk it,” she said, and she pulled him towards her.
1 comments:
Oh man. This is SO. Fucking. Perfect. I just.. I don't even know what else to say. I'm going to go beta the next part now. So you can post it. WITH HASTE.
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